On Our Search for Connection

Can We Achieve It & Will We Recognize It ?

As I sit at my computer to type these musings, “It’s the end of the World, as we know it…”, but I most definitely do not feel fine. I do, however, cling to a sliver of hope, even as I watch me and my fellow citizens indulge in countless distractions.

So, let’s leave all of that behind, and look at the truly ‘Big Picture.’

All across the globe, people of every possible description are looking for ‘connection,’ a feeling of belonging to something greater than themselves. The forms that search is taking are as numerous as the seekers themselves. As we see in the news every day, we remain far from any agreement on what we need to do to establish that sense of togetherness, of a shared fate.

Full disclosure: I am among a relatively small group of people who think the ‘answer’ can only come from an understanding of our most primal (primitive) selves. Our species survived for all but the last 10-30 thousand years relying on our natural instincts, and the strategies that allowed us to adapt to drastically changed environments, including a few Ice Ages.

While it seems obvious, as we sit on the precipice of the 6th mass extinction, that we have not handled the development of ‘civilization’ very well, I am not suggesting we return to being hunter/gatherers, although that ‘choice’ may soon be made for us. OK, relax and stay with me.

Some of my most recent readings have included the following books, which I will add to a short bibliography at the end: The Evolved Nest; The Continuum Concept; Restoring the Kinship World View; Evolution, Creationism and other Modern Myths; Tribe; and The Comfort Crisis. There are more, but these jumped out at me as I considered writing this essay.

There are two related, common themes running through all of them: We, as social animals, NEED to have a sense of connection, of shared experiences, expectations, and social norms. And we must instinctively understand those needs. We did, as all forms of life do, until Civilization, the species’ ‘noble experiment,’ led us astray.

And so the ultimate challenge presents itself. Can we regain enough of that connection to stave off the completion of the 6th mass extinction? Well, let’s begin with a look at how we maintained our connections before Civilization, especially Industrial Civilization came to dominate our worlds.

First, up until totalitarian agriculture and animal husbandry became the norm, creating an ever more complicated hierarchy, we lived in tribes of manageable size; mostly 250 people or less. During those thousands of generations, we were rarely out of each other’s sight, except when our hunters went in search of nutrition.

Babies were in constant physical contact with somebody, primarily their mothers, although others - fathers, aunties, siblings, etc. - filled in if Mom was otherwise engaged; for instance, if she was one of our hunters. ‘It takes a village’ was literally true, not just some political slogan.

Daily life was our ‘school.’ We watched and mimicked adults and older siblings, and as we learned we served as models for those younger than us. Sometimes we were allowed to learn through trial and error, but at other times, when resources were scarcer, we learned through observation.

So what about today, as we become artificially separated from those who should be most involved in our development at younger and younger ages. Jean and I had a ‘stranger’ look after our daughters when they were only months old. We were lucky. Ellie was wonderful and established strong bonds with both. But then, POOF!, those connections were summarily ended.

Ours is not an uncommon story, for those with the means and opportunity. And it should not come as a shock that many mothers, especially single mothers, choose to stay on ‘government hand-outs’ rather than look for work, work that certainly would provide neither the means nor the opportunity to have their young’uns cared for. And so begins the journey.

Daniel Quinn, in his seminal novel, Ishmael, introduced the concept of ‘Mother Culture’ to depict the dominant narrative of Civilization. Over the millennia (10-30), the specifics have changed dramatically, but there has been one constant. The dominant narrative is dictated by our present circumstances and presented as the only ‘right’ way to live.

As discussed in many of these essays, the commanding account has become increasingly unnatural, alienating our species from the primal instincts that allowed thousands of generations to survive, adapt, even thrive at times, all while living in harmony with our surroundings, or as the saying goes, ‘within our means.’

The year 2025 finds countless millions of us desperately yearning and searching for a way out of the horrific conditions in which we live. As wonderfully depicted in the 2011 documentary Happy, our sense of satisfaction doesn’t depend on our material wealth. In fact, for many there is an inverse relationship between having tons of money and their happiness.

My personal history includes spending my early 20s with folks from totally different and ‘poorer’ environments than the one in which I grew up. Almost without exception those people were far more content, self-assured, and incredibly resilient, while I spent countless hours in confused desperation and depression.

While the community of fellow political activists I had joined provided superficial support, it was nothing compared to those whose roots remained in their lives. So it really shouldn’t have been surprising that, after a few years, I was done, totally burnt out. I retreated to more familiar ground, but with an altered view of the world.

Only relatively recently did I gain my current perspective on what we, as social animals, need - a deep connection that goes well beyond political ideology. And that’s where another massive jolt to my sensibilities arrived, reading Quinn’s Ishmael trilogy and the many books that have followed.

My previous outlook, Marxism, holds that only with the economic transformation to Socialism will positive social and individual changes be possible, since we are all products of our environment, which includes our relationship to the basis of any society, its economic system.

Meanwhile, there is a strident argument going on between those who believe that precept and those who think we need to transform ourselves first, or we will only reproduce the negative and our ideals will be drowned out. As with so many other issues, the answer lies in attempting to do both. But there’s a problem, a big one.

Like it or not, we are products of our environment. It doesn’t matter if we were brought up in a mansion or on the streets. Every space in modern industrial civilization is totally unnatural, toxically so. That means finding ways to substantively ‘improve’ ourselves is fraught with endless detours, if not powerful obstacles. What does this mean?

Since we are all ‘subjects,’ it is impossible to have ‘objective’ opinions about anything more complicated than what is universally agreed upon. If today is Saturday, it is objectively Saturday, or sábado or Saptu or jumamosi or…..but if we ask whether it’s a beautiful day, we might get very different answers even from people standing right next to each other. So what, you say?

Well, that means unavoidable differences of opinion in what constitutes a ‘good person.’ For instance, many in our capitalist society think that competition, the fiercer the better, is essential. You probably could guess that I think the opposite is true. The only arena in which actual competition takes place anymore is in the allocation of dwindling ‘resources’ among us common folk.

During my two months cutting sugar cane in Cuba, during the winter of 1970, the Cubans introduced me and my fellow ‘brigadistas’ to the concept of ‘Socialist emulation.’ The idea was that we should each strive to increase our daily production, but not to gain accolades; to improve our contribution to the efforts of the entire group.

And that’s where the difficulty of self-improvement in a cooperative atmosphere slammed into our cultural indoctrination in competition. Sure, we told ourselves we were following the practice, but many of us, deep down, just wanted to outdo the others, to be the ‘best.’

This kind of problem is found in all but a very few activist groups in the USA. Organization after organization are hampered, if not destroyed, by our self-centered motivations. And, as always, the larger the group the more likely it is to have problems, especially when it comes to decision-making, allocating of responsibilities, etc. Hopeless, right?

Not at all. No, we will never form groups without any of these issues, but if we enter into the endeavor aware of the pitfalls, we can (and we must) put paying attention to such developments at the heart of all we do. Instead of pursuing the unattainable, we just do the best we can. It’s all anyone can ask or expect.

All of this leaves us where we began, with that sliver of hope based on the fact that millions and millions of us, sometimes without fully realizing it, are all striving for that ancient sense of connection, of community, of belonging to something bigger than ourselves.

We can create a satisfactory level and depth of those feelings, one step at a time, as we continue the struggle for our collective survival. It doesn’t even matter that many (most?) of us won’t view the process in such grandiose terms.

Sarah and Derek just like working in the community garden with their neighbors. Who ever thought that pulling weeds would bring joy? Roberto and Darcy get goosebumps, every time they guide somebody through the labyrinth of the healthcare system and secure for them the treatment they need.

With every success, no matter how small, we are transformed a little, despite the toxicity of the world beyond our efforts. Real connection is like solid trust. It cannot be mandated; it is built through mutual experiences. One more thing:

Quinn spoke about how there isn’t just ONE right way to live, a truism we followed until the dreaded Civilization, with its totalitarian agriculture and animal husbandry said otherwise. The same is true for the work we need to do now.

To me, that means we must look at what others are doing with generosity. At 75, I am not able to do many things that younger folks can do. City dwellers will have different opportunities than rural people. Some have endless energy, and/or incredible, specialized skills. Others can prepare meals for those turbo-charged workers.

The contradiction of 2025 is that gathering together like-minded folks to take on a task has never been more important, and it has rarely been as difficult. Why difficult, you may ask? Because the day-to-day activities I am talking about can/should be done with people who may only agree on one thing - making an immediate difference.

That means one personal ‘transformation’ needs to be first - acceptance of everyone who wants to contribute. I can think of nothing more joyous than watching Trump voters down on their knees in the community garden alongside staunch Democrats, Anarchists, Socialists. Or Atheists helping fundamentalists of whatever stripe staff a housing rights group, preventing foreclosures. On and on and on.

So find a way to become as involved as you can, and here’s my definition of ‘can,’ whatever you wind up doing. Each of us is the only person who can make that determination, and our actions will provide it. Peace.

Bibliography:

Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn

The Evolved Nest, by Darcia Narvaez & G.A. Bradshaw

The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff

Restoring the Kinship World View, by Wahinkpe Topa (Four Arrows) & Darcia Narvaez

Evolution, Creationism and other Modern Myths, by Vine Deloria, Jr.

Tribe, by Sebastian Junger

The Comfort Crisis, by Michael Easter